New Year's Day on September 29th

A preview of New Year's Day floated across the screen of my life.

I was walking across my college campus, lifting my brand-new-used books like I was going to be the next governor of CA. I walked by the gym catching my reflection in the full-length windows (umm, yeah, maybe this year wasn't the best to run for governor).

Movement behind the reflection caught my attention and as I peered closer, I realized the gym was packed. It was 4:00 in the afternoon, and the gym could have been a mouse cage; treadmills circling non-stop, weight machines clanking, rock music... rocking?

You go people! (And if you keep going around mid-terms -kudos to you and cheers as well!)

Here's the part that the preview didn't show, though. And its the best. The King of All, creates each day, new. Because of Him each day is the start. I can keep hopping on that treadmill because I've never before made resolutions. Never before broken my resolutions. There never was a yesterday...

A song of love

I'm breaking my vow of silence -the one I never took. But I noticed, in the blogging world, that you're chill and "worth the read" if you take a vow of silence for so many days, weeks or months.
The only coolness I can claim, however, is in moving to a place with snail-paced internet, which makes it not only difficult to blog, but extremely annoying.

But today, I went to church. And at church, I sang songs with all the other church-goers and Jesus-freaks.

We sang "Jesus Loves Me." All of us did.

The kids, for the first time in the last half and hour didn't fidget. Those who silently mouth the words throughout the service could be heard several rows ahead. The holy-rockers raised their hands high. Everyone stood up. And emotion clogged my throat.

Each of us told the rest of us, with every pointed word in the song, that He was King. Jesus was King and Rescuer of our hearts.

He loves me. That is why I live.

And, the winner is.... Kansas City!

This morning, coming home from work, I realized: I like KC. No, I like KC. I like KC!

I love how "ragged around the edges" and a hillbilly-flavor is "in" here.

I love the way sticky and sweet mingles with cool and fresh after a big thunderstorm.

I love the single track MTB trails.

I love the "Preach it, brother!" that rises from the congregation when the pastor steps in front of his pulpit to emphasize a point.

I love the storm and funnel cloud warnings that bleep over the radio. And then I love sitting outside watching the formation of the clouds until the storm passes over.

I love that I know that the reason I like KC is because Jesus has made me to like it. And how I love Him!

I have a hang-over...

...in a good way.

I'm still a bit looped from the most incredible night.

It began, not on a dark and dreary night, but on a lovely summer's (almost) eve; and me not being able to decide whether I should wear shorts or a skort to bible-study. Shorts won, and I was a few minutes late to the Gathering.

Study of the word and worship of my dear Jesus was beautiful. Several times during worship, I would just stop and watch those around me pour out their hearts to Him. And He came down and loved us.

Later, some "fellowship" with my dear friends around a bon-fire. The night was cloudless and warm. The fire flickered and spit out occasional embers. Conversation lapped like waves on the Oregon Coast.

The highlight though, was country roads, a Jeep Wrangler, and a Honda 800!

Ted's jeep was topless, doorless and had big tires. The wind whipped our hair and pulled on any article of clothing that was not directly tied down.

And then, Allen's 800. Nothing more needs to be said.

Jesus, friends, stars, and the night wind. Incredible.

Humbled beyond comfort

I was told from the beginning not to compare; it will either set me up for failure, or it will set my standards too low, and make me satisfied with a less of person than who God has made me to be. I've also been told that its not what I do that matters, but who I am.

But here I am, attempting to achieve all four matters at once and not succeeding at any one of them. It's easy not to compare when I'm quite satisfied with myself. But when I want to be something that I am not (nor can ever be?)... then the gate is opened, and I can't seem to resist.

Before, when I had a set back or failure I could always turn to one of my resources, and use it as a crutch until something else in me was able to shoulder the load. If I was not the smartest, then I could be the pretty one, the one who had a little "extra" that made people like me, even if I didn't quite make the cut; and if I was not the most attractive, then I could be the smart one, marking sweet "A's" on all my works; and if neither of those was working for me, then I would turn to my personality, my family, my hobbies... I could always find something that would make me worthwhile to the society that I lived in.

And now, I've exhausted each of my resources. I've compared myself with the least of them and have come up empty.

Perhaps now, God is able to use me. Perhaps it was Him who allowed me to run out; after all, anything that I did have was a gift from Him, to be on lease for just a bit, until He deemed that I no longer needed them.

I asked Him to break me, so that I could have as intimate relationship as possible with Him. And once again, He has remained faithful. How does it feel to realize that I have neither the things that I do, nor that which makes me who I am? It feels like the tears that refuse to break from the corner of my eyes -I can't even feel the relief of pitying myself.

Jesus says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I wonder, when I will be willing to trade my patched army sack, infested sleeping bag, and grocery cart with tin cans, for His cot under the Willow with a glass of lemon water.